“Little by little becomes a lot.”
Anonymous
It’s been an eventful, uneventful week. Lots to talk about, but also kind of boring. So, let’s dive in…
I have a quick update! I finally saw a new doctor to manage my medications and things went better than I had hoped. I explained to her that, after 38 years of searching for answers, I need a provider that:
- I could be fully open and honest with
- That would be willing to work with my other providers, as a team, to help me find some semblance of recovery
- A provider who not only believed that what is happening inside my brain is real and serious, but one that believes that it deserves to be treated in the same way they would treat a disorder of any other part of the body
She heard my concerns and she reassured me that they could be all of those things. The first order of business, of course, is to get my meds in order so that I am stabilized. To that end, she order genetic testing to be done to help me find an antidepressant that works for me. Historically, my depression has been stubborn. I have never found an antidepressant and worked and continued working long term. Honestly, though…how cool is it that they can even do that? While we were waiting on the results to the testing to come back, she went ahead and started me on an ADHD medication.
I received the call at the end of the week that they had pinpointed the right medication for me and I start taking it tomorrow. They also were able to verify that the medications that I’m on, for anxiety and moods, will work for me but only in low doses. Finally, I am on the right track to getting the physiological part of my recovery in check! It is a very exciting and very cool development in my story.
A transmission update
I started the medicine on Tuesday and I don’t know how to describe how I felt. I realized something for the first time in my life. My brain works on a manual transmission. When my brain gets the signal that I need to pee, I don’t just decide to get up and do it. Sometimes, I sit in the same place having to pee for an hour or 2.
I have to notice that I have to pee. Then I have to decide to stop scrolling my phone or reading my book. Then I have to decide to stand up. Then I have to decide to walk in the bathroom. Once in the bathroom, I have to decide to ignore all of the distractions standing between me and the toilet. Each decision it’s own separate process in my brain. I thought that was just how brains worked. Until Tuesday.
Tuesday my brain was an automatic. I could immediately see a difference in my brain processes. I would finish one task and move to the next. I was able to focus my internal attention in a way that I wasn’t fully prepared for. Everything just ran…smoother; more…well, automatic. My thoughts were clearer. A restlessness I’d been feeling for weeks seemed to dissipate immediately. I have had varied results since then, but I am playing with things like the time I take it, my water and protein intake throughout the day, etc. There might still be work to do, but I feel really positive about this new development. It’s the most positive since September, when I found out.
I had a good visit with my ADHD therapist this week, as well. He has other specialties, so we worked on some old trauma that has been haunting me this week. I won’t go into detail, but sometimes vivid memories get trapped in my brain and I see them over and over. They are, more often than not, traumatic or painful memories and my OCD causes me to obsess over them. I literally *cannot* make them stop running through my brain.
No matter how many distractions I find, they come back as soon as I’m alone with my thoughts again. It is….distressing, to say the least. Sometimes they make me cry, but they always hurt my heart. I have learned recently that this is a result of C-PTSD, so I feel like now will be a really good time to start working through my trauma and finding a way to heal from it so I can fully move to the next part of my life.
So, that’s the update. I have an appointment with my main therapist next week and, as always, I am looking forward to it. I have plenty to talk about. I am hoping that we can put together a solid treatment plan for these next few months. I have a 6 month goal to see some tangible changes in my life, so we’ll see how it goes.
Love and light and fight the good fight!!💜💜
