the winter blog

Depression: 1 Cup Of Coffee And A Little Bit Of Conversation

You see Lainy, this is all we need. A couple smokes, a cup of coffee, and a little bit of conversation. You and me and five bucks.

Troy Dyer, Reality Bites

I’ve got to be honest, my friends. I’m a mess. I debated whether to post this update of sorts, but I want you to see the gritty parts of this too. Depression has it’s hooks in me. Things in my life are unsettled and unsure and I don’t do well in those conditions. I’m not doing well. I’m not okay. And that’s okay.

Spring is approaching. There is a mayfly on my window as we speak. Normally this is a time of feeling refreshed and hopeful for me. I generally perk up on the sunny days. Not so much these days. I try to stay hopeful and I try to keep doing things that I enjoy on the good days. But I’m just feeling really down.

Maladaptive daydreaming has become a recurrent activity for me, sometimes getting lost in my daydreams for hours a day. I’ve been trying to write them down as short stories, but my ability to write has been spotty at best. It’s not just a creative block. I am burned out. Completely and totally fried. I’m dropping the ball on every court and I have no idea what to do to fix it.

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There’s just suddenly nothing much going on in here. I can’t write. I can’t plan. I can’t do art. I don’t leave the house. I have no “in real life” friends, to speak of. The majority of my family lives far away, including both of my parents and my sister. I have advocacy and coaching, but that’s all that’s keeping me going right now. I’m floundering BIG TIME.

Honestly, I’m not really in a safe space to admit this, but there it is anyway. I guess that’s just what I do here. I’m trying to help people; feel less alone, learn a thing or two, and see the reality that is brain disorders. I believe that I accomplish that, from the feedback I have received. That feedback keeps me afloat.

What’s Happening?

I’ve put therapy on hold for a while, but I don’t know if that was the right thing to do or not. I’m thinking I need to find a new therapist. Someone who specializes in ADHD and trauma, specifically abuse trauma. I need to be in some kind of therapy. So far, I’ve had some success with CBT, but it can only do so much. I had great success with EMDR. There are other options out there too.

The idea of starting that search for the right provider again…it makes me cringe inside. But I felt stalled at my old therapist, like I wasn’t making any real progress. We had gotten to a point where we were talking about the same things every week, but I wasn’t moving forward on any of them. I figured that was a me thing, which is why I decided to stop going for a while.

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I did manage to reach out to the doctor that manages my meds last week and I started and adjusted dosage of my meds. Hopefully it will help. So far, no change. I’ll keep an eye on it, but it’s a possibility that we might have to do a major med change. Not something to look forward to, at all.

On top of my crippling depression, or maybe because of it, things are not going well at work. I’m falling farther and farther behind and my manager and HR have been unable/unwilling to help. Both times that I asked for help, my response was a write up. I just had my 14 year anniversary with the company last week. It’s looking like it might be my last. Again, I don’t know how to fix it.

I’ve been applying to writing jobs in the hopes that I can get a steady gig creating content. I still have to shop my novel, but right now is not a good time for it. I need to wait until I get some other things settled first. If you know of any full-time writing jobs with a company that offers insurance benefits, please hit me up

There is one other thing that I’m dealing with, but it’s very personal so I’m holding it close to the cuff. What I can say is that it is a very important piece of the puzzle that is unsettled and volatile. The stress of it rides me like a wave. I can’t get away from it. One day I’ll tell you about it, but just know that it’s a heavy weight around my neck. Not to be too cryptic.

Life’s Not All Bad

Aside from my sporadic posting schedule, the blog is still running like a well oiled machine. The Winter Of My Discontent is coming up on it’s second anniversary and I’m incredibly proud of what we’ve built here. This was a place that was always meant to help people, to teach people, to build community around us. I think we’re doing just that.

Coaching is going well. I have 2-3 spots available, if anyone is interested. Feel free to book a FREE discovery call with me if it feels right and we can discuss whether coaching is right for you. I’m a new coach, but what I lack in experience, I make up for in passion. I want to help change people’s lives in every way that I can.

I would be remiss to talk about the good in life and not talk about the amazing connections that I have made over the last year. I have cultivated relationships with people who have absolutely changed my life. They made me believe in people again; to have a hope that I had lost many years ago. They support me and show me so much love. They live in lands far and wide, but we’ve somehow made a connection through these crazy interwebs. It has changed the way that I look at online friendships.

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Lastly, and I may have buried the lead here a little, but…I’M NOMINATED FOR BLOGGER OF THE YEAR AT THE 2022 MENTAL HEALTH BLOG AWARDS!!!!!!!!! This is my 2nd year being nominated and I could not be more excited about the honor! Last year, you all helped me get SO far and I’ll need your help again this year. Voting starts on April 29th and I’ll be sure to link to the voting site at the top of each post. Also, watch my social media for more information.

Again, it’s an honor to be nominated with so many amazing creators, across all categories. I’m excited for the ceremony in July when we find out this year’s winners. Good luck to all the nominees!

Just Keep Swimming

For now, I’m just trying to keep my head above water. I don’t really know what happens next. I need to find my lost executive functioning. I need to stop living with my head in the clouds to avoid the pain and discomfort of my circumstances. I’ll get there. As a special person in my life keeps telling me, there is a bright light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to keep holding on.

I’ve realized recently that I still have so much work to before I’m healed. I’ve been trained, my entire life, to believe that my feelings don’t matter or are unreasonable OR that expressing those feeling would result in love and support being withdrawn. Through all the work I’ve done, I still have a hard time expressing my feelings for fear that it will cause people to walk away from me. I’m working on it, but I fear I need more help.

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I need more reassurance than a lot of people. I question myself all of the time. Do my people love me? Do my friends like me? Is everyone mad at me? It’s a hard cycle to break. I saw a meme the other day that said, “It takes a lot of patience to love someone who has never been loved right before.” That really hit home for me. I just want to be loved right, one time.

So, where do I go from here? Well, I just keep swimming. I keep treading water. I hold on for dear life and hope this ends soon. I focus on the good and keep working on trying to fix the things that have gone wrong. I keep taking my meds and looking for a new therapist that specializes in the issues that are plaguing me. I keep applying to new jobs. I keep going.

Please bear with me, if content isn’t regular. I’m trying. I want to be writing for you; answering your questions and letting you know that you aren’t alone. I’ll keep pushing myself as much as I can until I get this thing back on track.

Thank you for being here. Thank you for caring and supporting me. Thank you for being you.

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Love and light. Keep fighting the good fight! 

ADHD Beans

Still depressed, anxious, and traumatized. Still an ADHDer. Still kicking ass and taking names when it comes to busting stigma. Changing hearts and minds, one post at a time.

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1 Comment

  1. It’s been a long time since I’ve been on WordPress myself, but I hope you’re doing better now. Thanks for sharing all that’s going on with you here. Brain disorders, mental illnesses, they sap you of your energy and it’s only natural to feel burned out from time to time. You made me feel comforted and I’m so proud of you for still fighting back the urge to use unhealthy coping mechanisms. We know you’re doing your best to keep this blog updated and I hope this comments helps lighten your mental pressure to write constantly. Write when you want to and when you can. No worries. Take care :’)

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